Muscleheads

Two 'Roiders talk about previous amorous, er, triumphs.

Very adult!  NO kids! Or prudes!

Football Funnyman

thanks for sharing Georgina!

Tiger Wood's Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin'  .  .  .  chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.
He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika  .  .  .  the world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin'  .  .  .  a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Thanks Connie!

Have a Menopausal Christmas

Scene from "Malcolm in the Middle."



Thanks Vickie!

The Christmas Bird

SnugWOW

The perfect Christmas gift?  It just might be.

Instant DUI

Just add breathalyzer.



Thanks Georgina!

Perfect Prescription

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A Beer Odyssey

The Drunkest Guy.  Ever.



Thanks Connie!

The Helpdesk

A new spin on outsourcing.

In the Can

Me?  I've never had it in the can, but I'm willing to try it just once.

Good Will Haunting

Random Halloweenie videos.

Yes. I typed "Halloweenie."

Lovely Bike Ride

thanks nancy! I crapped my pants.

HalloWindow

Halloween Stripper

Too Super Cool For a Ticket

Happens to me all the time.

Thanks Martie!

How to Wake Up Your Girlfriend

A gentle caress on the cheek while whispering "Good morning, angel"?  Naaa.  That just won't do.



I'm guessing she isn't a big Billy Mays fan.

Wile E. Coyote: Beyond the Bird

I love Seth MacFarlane's "what if?" spin on the classic "Roadrunner" show.

Dumb Luck

Why, what a coinkydink.

Corn Porn

I should really watch Rachael Ray more often.



Thanks Vickie!

Agent K-9

Check out Secret Agent Man's Best Friend.



thanks vickie!

Camping Hints

-------------

• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.


• Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.


• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.


• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.


• Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.


• Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.


• Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.


• You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.


• You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.


• When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.


• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.


• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.


• The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.


• The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.


• If you see 100 Winnebagos pull into your camp site, it is easier to turn the road signs around than to pass them all on the next day.


• Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.


• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its huge single blade functions as a canoe paddle.


• If you use the Digital Officer model, beware that it shows altitude and temperature in metric.

Thanks for sharing, Heidi!

The 'F.I.' Philosophy

This hilarious segment from the Dave Chappelle Show talks about a philosophy that many of us practice today.  Adult language!  NO KIDS around, folks.



thanks martie!

Shiny's First Doll

Sure. I had a doll when I was a baby; and I'm not ashamed to admit it, either. Here's some home video of me playing with it.



thanks martie!

405

Think you're having a bad day? Great video production on this emergency landing.



thanks georgina!

SNL Skit: Cork Soakers

Yeah, you know where this is going.

Racism on a Plane

I miss Dave Chappelle . . .

Amish Porn

Monkeying Around

See, the monkeys make the joke better.



thanks vickie!

It's Magic!

This happens to drunk guys, but in reverse.

Just Plane Cool

I think equal props (Ha! Get it? Never mind..) should be given to the person operating the camera during this model airplane contest.

Sunday Drive

Scenic drives through an animal reserve can sometimes get a little too scenic.

Sex with Bea

Octogenarians need love too.

 

Ikea to Acquire General Motors

Breaking News:  Ikea CEO Anders Dahlvig announced today his plans to take over General Motors and sell cars.

I think we might be in trouble. BIG trouble.

 

 

And you only get...

 

Funky Cold Chameleon

Thank you, O' Creator of this video - for not being nauseatingly ironic and choosing Boy George's "Karma Chameleon" for the selected music.

This dude is colorrific.

New Antelope Protection System

So far the "APS" trial program has been quite successful.

Snrrkxgxks! and the Wild Outdoors

Do you have any idea how difficult it was to spell a snore sound?

And if that happens to be someones surname, it's quite unintentional. Sorry.

Unfortunately for my fiancée, I snore.  Depending on sleep position my snoring can be likened to the susurration of an electric motor or the growl of a 500 hp Chevy big block V8.  It's not my only bad habit during my hours of sleep.  Sometimes I also like to slay pythons. But I digress.

It was March of '99. Ken - a buddy of mine - thought it would a great idea for the two of us and his dad to go on a weekend camping trip: Real men in the real outdoors. We spent the night at Ken's place to get an early start at the butt crack of Dawn. Ken's dad sprawled on one couch, me on another. Ken comfy in his own bed.

We piled our gear and ourselves into Ken's Eagle Talon. Yes, three grown men in a two-door coupe with an almost non-existent backseat.  As I sat hunched in the backseat with camping gear surrounding me I couldn't help but think of a clown car. Hey, I've got the red nose, after all.  After a few hours of driving we reached our destination of Robbers Cave State Park. Luckily Ken's dad opted to take one for the team and sat in the cramped back seat for most of the drive. I almost felt guilty.  Almost.

We pitched our tent (No, seriously. It was an actual tent) on the edge of Lake Wayne Wallace and commenced doing manly stuff, like finding wood for the fire and chopping it down with a horribly tiny hatchet. But we made it look manly.  Finally with the wood chopped we started a fire while Ken's dad walked to the water's edge to catch dinner. All freakin' night. That man did not sleep.  

We stayed up into the night - enjoying the brisk cool air flowing in from the lake and appreciating the natural beauty of the Earth and the crystalline night sky dotted with brilliant stars. Then one of us may have farted or belched; because we had to keep it manly while enamored with nature.

After midnight or so we turned in. And by "we" I mean Ken and myself, because Ken Sr. was god-knows-where walking along the lake's edge still trying to catch a fish.  The night got damned cold. I'm talking 34 degrees cold. I was still wearing all of my clothes, sweatshirt, down coat, hat - while hunkered in my sleeping bag; teeth chattering.  As I shivered I bitterly mused to myself, "We actually thought this was a great idea?"  Unfortunately for Ken it seems the cold, well, enhances my snoring. I was nudged by him more than once; "Dude, you're snoring."   'Kay, thanks.

Morning found me alone in the tent. Ken was in his car, asleep with the engine running. Ken Sr. was up making a fire and coffee.  Ken's dad told me he heard the sound of a hot air balloon's flame blast earlier, and he almost expected to see one come up over the tree line.   Until he realized it was coming from the tent. Me, snoring. Did I mention the cold enhances my snoring? Yes. Yes I did.  Ken admitted that was the reason he retreated into his car.   Not surprisingly, that was the last time we went camping.

So yeah, I don't really go camping anymore.

Nurse Feelgood

Talk about a wet nurse.  ZING!

If You Think You're Having a Bad Day...

...take a look at this guy.



"Hey boss?  I quit."

Political Princess

This precocious little lady has got a mind for politics. Impressive!

Private Dancer

Don't you wish you had your own private pole dancer?  Yeah, me neither.

If Penguins Could Talk...

...this one would probably be saying "in your FACE, bee'yatches!"  Watch until the end.

Magic Monkey Mirror

The same thing happens to me EVERY morning.

What if it happened like this?

Meet Adam 1.0. Thank God for upgrades.

Why AARP Sells Insurance

Enjoy this collection of senior moments; to the tune of Cher's "Turn Back Time."

thanks connie!

I think this is how most "accidents" in the home occur.

I'm always amazed how fast automotive technology is advancing.

Wife of the Year Award Goes to...

I think this is how most "accidents" in the home occur.

Anti-Bird Poop Sensor

I'm always amazed how fast automotive technology is advancing.

The failed interview.

Host Fail

The failed interview.

Playing dead just got a little better. Bailey the dog plays dead on David Letterman during a "Stupid Pet Tricks" segment.






thanks connie!

It's like a car dealership for people with Tourettes.

Bailey Plays Dead

Playing dead just got a little better. Bailey the dog plays dead on David Letterman during a "Stupid Pet Tricks" segment.



thanks connie!

Car Ad from Hell

It's like a car dealership for people with Tourettes.

Skeet golf or golf skeet? Who knows, but it's funny.

Skeet Golf

Skeet golf or golf skeet? Who knows, but it's funny.

What do you get when you add gravity and an itchy dog? This video.

Downhill Doggy

What do you get when you add gravity and an itchy dog? This video.

prius bastard. Andy Richter makes an appearance in this, um, "commercial?"

Prius Bastard

prius bastard. Andy Richter makes an appearance in this, um, "commercial?"

More random motivational-type posters. See the first set here.

A rather 'cheeky' prank for the adult crowd. That's right, no kids around.

Your side of the family. To all of you hillbillies out there.

Waterbed prank gets store patrons all wet.

Random Demotivation: Part 2

More random motivational-type posters. See the first set here.

Cheeky Prank

A rather 'cheeky' prank for the adult crowd. That's right, no kids around.

Hillbillies

Your side of the family. To all of you hillbillies out there.

Waterbed Prank

Waterbed prank gets store patrons all wet.

Old Man Leaner defies the laws of gravity.

Old Man Leaner

Old Man Leaner defies the laws of gravity.

Kosovo To the tune of The Beach Boys' "Kokomo." Yeah, this one has been around awhile, but I like it.

Kosovo

Kosovo To the tune of The Beach Boys' "Kokomo." Yeah, this one has been around awhile, but I like it.

Baptism some kids just can't wait to get baptized.

End song, by Alisan Porter. You may remember her as "Curly Sue." I love this version of her live song. See her MySpace page and other vids.

Doggone funny. If you think this is crazy, you should see him poop.

The kiss of life. CPR certification takes on a life of its own.

Making a Splash

Baptism some kids just can't wait to get baptized.

End Song Live

End song, by Alisan Porter. You may remember her as "Curly Sue." I love this version of her live song. See her MySpace page for other good music videos.

Potty Break

Doggone funny. If you think this is crazy, you should see him poop.

Now Who's the Dummy?

The kiss of life. CPR certification takes on a life of its own.

Mad cat disease. A collection of crazy cats doing crazy things. You know, the usual.

Crazy Cats

Mad cat disease. A collection of crazy cats doing crazy things. You know, the usual.

Hoppy Easter



















































Easter funnies


What is Easter?

Three blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of
heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the
gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter
asks the first blonde, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday
in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey,
and are thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the
second blonde the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday
in December when people put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the.......the birth of........
of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head
in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "WHAT
IS EASTER?"

The third blonde smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday
that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.
Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper
and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the
Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him
to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to
wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He
was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a
large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow
there will be six more weeks of winter."


-:-:-:-:-:s:-:h:-:i:-:n:-:y:-:h:-:a:-:p:-:p:-:y:-:h:-:e:-:a:-:d:-:-:-:-:-:-
-:-:-:-:-:s:-:h:-:i:-:n:-:y:-:h:-:a:-:p:-:p:-:y:-:h:-:e:-:a:-:d:-:-:-:-:-:-


Easter Bunnyisms

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From The Easter Bunny

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!


-:-:-:-:-:s:-:h:-:i:-:n:-:y:-:h:-:a:-:p:-:p:-:y:-:h:-:e:-:a:-:d:-:-:-:-:-:-
-:-:-:-:-:s:-:h:-:i:-:n:-:y:-:h:-:a:-:p:-:p:-:y:-:h:-:e:-:a:-:d:-:-:-:-:-:-


Excuses given by the guards at the empty tomb of Jesus...


"I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when
I tried to give him a tip!"

"I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!"

"With the earth shakin' and all the bright lights, we figgered we was
abducted by aliens!"

"Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, I'm afraid
you're speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form
and direct you to Burial Services."

"As we've already stated several times before, according to the legal
definition of "escape", we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!"

"We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!"

"You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how (Mat. 27:65). We did!
May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?

"All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!

"Hey! What'd you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of
God?--NOOOOOOOOO!"

"What's the big deal? He said He'd be back!"

Hoppy Easter

Hoppy Easter



























Easter funnies

What is Easter?

Three blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of
heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the
gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter
asks the first blonde, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday
in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey,
and are thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the
second blonde the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday
in December when people put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the.......the birth of........
of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head
in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "WHAT
IS EASTER?"

The third blonde smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday
that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.
Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper
and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the
Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him
to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to
wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He
was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a
large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow
there will be six more weeks of winter."

-:-:-:-:-:s:-:h:-:i:-:n:-:y:-:h:-:a:-:p:-:p:-:y:-:h:-:e:-:a:-:d:-:-:-:-:-:-
-:-:-:-:-:s:-:h:-:i:-:n:-:y:-:h:-:a:-:p:-:p:-:y:-:h:-:e:-:a:-:d:-:-:-:-:-:-

Easter Bunnyisms

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From The Easter Bunny

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!

-:-:-:-:-:s:-:h:-:i:-:n:-:y:-:h:-:a:-:p:-:p:-:y:-:h:-:e:-:a:-:d:-:-:-:-:-:-
-:-:-:-:-:s:-:h:-:i:-:n:-:y:-:h:-:a:-:p:-:p:-:y:-:h:-:e:-:a:-:d:-:-:-:-:-:-


Excuses given by the guards at the empty tomb of Jesus...

"I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when
I tried to give him a tip!"

"I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!"

"With the earth shakin' and all the bright lights, we figgered we was
abducted by aliens!"

"Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, I'm afraid
you're speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form
and direct you to Burial Services."

"As we've already stated several times before, according to the legal
definition of "escape", we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!"

"We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!"

"You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how (Mat. 27:65). We did!
May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?

"All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!

"Hey! What'd you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of
God?--NOOOOOOOOO!"

"What's the big deal? He said He'd be back!"