Easter funnies
What is Easter?
Three blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of
heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the
gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter
asks the first blonde, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday
in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey,
and are thankful..."
"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the
second blonde the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday
in December when people put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the.......the birth of........
of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head
in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "WHAT
IS EASTER?"
The third blonde smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday
that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.
Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper
and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the
Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him
to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to
wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He
was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a
large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow
there will be six more weeks of winter."
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Easter Bunnyisms
Everything I Need To Know I Learned From The Easter Bunny
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!
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Excuses given by the guards at the empty tomb of Jesus...
"I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when
I tried to give him a tip!"
"I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!"
"With the earth shakin' and all the bright lights, we figgered we was
abducted by aliens!"
"Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, I'm afraid
you're speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form
and direct you to Burial Services."
"As we've already stated several times before, according to the legal
definition of "escape", we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!"
"We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!"
"You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how (Mat. 27:65). We did!
May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?
"All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!
"Hey! What'd you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of
God?--NOOOOOOOOO!"
"What's the big deal? He said He'd be back!"
