Mr. Goodbody Vs. Michelin Man

Mr. Goodbody Vs. Michelin Man
Written by David M. Muench


Three weeks ago I began yet another episode of "It's My Body and I'll Cry If I Want to" gym pursuits. It's been an ongoing battle ever since I ceased "pumping iron" regularly back in '97. In '99, I began doing Tae Bo and joined Gold's Gym. My shape improved dramatically with Tae Bo, but I went to the gym only about five times during the whole year of 1999. At the end of that year, not only did I stop going to the gym, but my Tae Bo sessions went the way of the dying elephant as well. Without the horrid smell of decomposition.

Once again, I have joined a local gym in order to break the vicious cycle of "bald, fat, and ugly." To date, I have been maintaining a regular regiment of cardio and circuit weight training, and after the third week I was able to tell EMSA I wouldn't need them waiting outside the gym.
And it's difficult being "The New Guy" in a gym. No matter how confident you saunter, it's like a neon sign is hovering over you that says "New Guy," much like an online multiplayer game.

On my first day to the gym, I approached this very unusual machine that was sitting in the back of the cardio room. It was rather small and awkward, but I didn't want to seem like a New Guy and not know what the hell I was doing. I positioned myself on it and tried to locate the buttons for resistance levels, time, and program. I only saw one switch, so I pushed it. The obviously foreign machine roared to life and started moving across the floor towards other populated machines, which at once startled me because this was the first stationary contraption that wasn't stationary. I tried to steer away from the innocent people while at the same time realizing that the only use this exercise machine had was to increase your heartrate to dangerous levels.
At this point a man ran up to the errant machine and clicked the switch, then suggested that I would probably get a better workout on an actual exercise machine than on the floor waxer. I agreed, then walked quickly out of the room.