The Enamel Ranger

The Enamel Ranger

Written by David M. Muench



I bought a Colgate toothbrush the other day, and I'm astounded by the deluge of dental products that now exist. The toothbrush I purchased is a multi-colored ergonomic model that indubitably has the same drag coefficients as an F-16. It's like I'm brushing my teeth with a Power Ranger.

And the toothbrush package has a number in the corner. The one I bought has "57." I looked at all the packages at the store, and they all had different numbers. What the hell is that? Lottery numbers? Being the inquisitive guy I am, I went to Colgate.com to see if I could locate the answer to my mind-boggling query.

What I discovered is that they have eight different kinds of "manual" toothbrushes. They actually have one called the Colgate Navigator. Navigator? What are you going to do, get lost going to your mouth? "Damn it, I shoved the toothbrush up my ass again. I knew I should have bought the Colgate Navigator!"

And there's a Colgate Total Professional, which is good, because I don't want to put something that's not a total professional in my mouth. To cover all bases, they should sell a brush called Colgate Complete Idiot, ideal for those who put toothbrushes up their asses.

The Colgate Extra Clean toothbrush contrives the idea that the other models are lacking in the clean department. But with this new "Extra Clean" toothbrush you can get that extra special level of clean.

There are a few more, but I digress. I did find out that I have an "Active Angle" brush (I think the inactive angle brush just sits on the couch watching television all day).

And I never ascertained the meaning behind that freakin' number.