Unplugged & Unmedicated

Commercial Break (A ShinySpeak classic from the jokelist on 8/9/00 )
Written by David M. Muench


There are some commercials that just unnerve me. Hey, don't get me wrong, I know it's a natural course of a woman's life. Men do understand (The way all men understand: Through many days and nights of abject trepidation and hiding the sharp, pointy objects.) and sympathize with the Nature of Women. But I think from the beginning of each commercial, they should tell the viewers -- either by a large, flashing sign -- or even a small icon in the corner that reads "Feminine Product." The commercial starts, and you see beautiful cheerleaders jumping and gyrating about, and the guys are going "Hey, now this is a really nice, wholesome commercial. They really should have more commercials exactly like this one. Every half-hour at least."
Now us guys should have a pretty good Fantasy-type visual at this point; complete with latex bed sheets and a slide. Then all of a sudden.....TAMPAX WAS THERE.

"Whoa, hey, where are you going? I've got the butter-flavored Crisco ready!"

"Sorry fantasizing freak, it's Not a Good Time."

"What? Is there a dreaming dolt in Newark you have to go see?"

"No, I mean it's 'Not a Good Time'."

"Oohhh. Okay, fine." My fantasy is destroyed by Nature. Now I'm just sitting there thinking about what I'm going to do with the slide, rubber sheets and Crisco -- completely frustrated.

I think they should make commercials about Men products.... Here comes Sven, a blonde Swedish Adonis with a bronze tan, sparkling blue eyes, glimmering white teeth, jogging down a beach with rippling muscles thrashing under his skin -- and we're talking a rippling fest here. His nostrils are even rippling. Now the women (And some men) are looking at this living cover of a Harlequin novel, developing their own fantasy (I don't ask, so I don't know), when suddenly...BLUE STAR JOCK ITCH OINTMENT WAS THERE.

"Mmmm, the site of you with that smelly cream on your hoo-ha just drives me wild....."

No, I don't think that phrase will ever be uttered in this universe. Don't even get me going with the Tucks Medicated Pads commercials.