Unplugged & Unmedicated

Halloween Hijinx Strikes Back (A ShinySpeak classic lifted from the jokelist on 10/26/01)
Written by David M. Muench

Ah Halloween. Earlier in my life I've found that Halloween was one of the most bountiful holidays ever, aside from Christmas and Easter. Heck, even with those two we had to count on a judgmental fat guy flying around in a sleigh and some mutant rabbit to deliver our goods. Both holidays requiring non-casual "C'mon Mooooommm, this tie is choking me!" clothing. But with Halloween, we are the masters of our own destiny. We don't have to wear uncomfortably strange pastel jackets with matching pants and a tie wide enough to park a bus.
Granted, the wolfman mask didn't have adequate eye holes causing us to bump into things, and was also a bit warm - steaming hot really - but good golly we looked cool wearing 'em!

"Grrrrr! OUCH! Damn tree."

It got to the point when we would only put the masks on when we were actually at the porch of each house.

We were like the postal carriers: Rain nor snow nor gloom of night did not deter us from getting free candy by going to the homes of complete strangers and saying the magic phrase:
"Trick-or-Treat!"
A neighborhood boy even went as far as changing costumes and visited the same houses
to get even more candy, something we considered to be a brilliant move, wondering why we haven't thought of it.

Then after pounding the pavement for what seemed like miles (Which in fact were miles) we returned home and spread out our loot, sorting out the good stuff (Chocolate "anything"), and grimacing at the bad stuff (A neighborhood dentist had the audacity to give out toothbrushes! The nerve! ). Unfortunately a few years went by and some sicko-freaks had to go and spoil one of the greatest holidays a kid could ever have and put needles and razor blades in the candy. So from then on our parents insisted that we had to inspect our candy before we crammed it into our mouths, which takes away some of the unadulterated bliss of the whole thoughtless cramming thing.

For kids, the fun doesn't stop with eating the chocolate. After repeated chocolate-eating we had discovered that for every action, there's an opposite and equal reaction. Well, at that time we had no idea what that meant, but we did discover that chocolate made us fart. Big time. I recall one night after a Halloween Neighborhood Candy Expedition my brother, some neighborhood kid, and I had a "farting contest." Yes, as kids we were easily amused and tell me, what can be more amusing than a bunch of kids farting incessantly in an enclosed area? It's like a Kodak Moment. But really smelly.

But then as fast as the trick-or-treating started, it was over. We were suddenly "too old" to even think the words "trick-or-treat." Chocolate-powered flatulence has lost its luster (however beer-powered flatulence still provides hours of entertainment) and it was time to move on to the next level of Halloween: The desecration of jack-o'-lanterns, flaming bags of dog poop on porches, toilet paper in the trees, and scaring the hell out of the little kids.
Soon those mean-spirited pranks seem menial, and suddenly we're old enough to go to costume parties while watching underaged drinkers puke their guts out. And that stage can continue far into your twenties, afterwards you get married, have your own family and continue the Halloween tradition with your own kids. Then another Halloween cycle begins.

So enjoy Halloween with yourselves, and embrace the wholesome trick-or-treating with your kids. Just make sure you open some windows when they get back.