Unplugged & Unmedicated

Nothin' But the Tooth (A ShinySpeak classic "extracted" from the jokelist on 3/23/01 )
Written by David M. Muench

Many people aren't too crazy about visiting the dentist. As a child I wasn't any different. They even had to give me Valium prior to going. Oh, sure, the"goofy gas" was kinda cool; and one time while under the nitrous oxide I felt as if I were wearing only underwear and sinking into the chair.Valium and nitrous. There's nothing like a child having an acid trip. It's been many years since my last visit, but last week I found myself needing to get a tooth repaired, and so I reluctantly made the appointment.

Now that I'm older, more mature and sensible, I can now go to the dentist's office with an inordinate amount of bravado and saunter in exuding ennui and confidence. And then I hear the drill. I think going to the dentist would be more appealing if the drills didn't give the feeling of walking into a body shop. I almost expect the dentist to be sporting coveralls emblazoned with a gaudy name patch, wiping tooth debris and blood from his hands on a shop rag, grabbing a clipboard from a hook in the wall, calling my name and promptly washing his hands with a petroleum hand cleaner before starting on another "job". At least the drills could emit a sort of laughing noise, or sound like a Smurf singing for crying out loud.

Once I was in The Chair (Not unlike "Ole Sparky") I listened to the dentist prattle with a regular patient in the adjoining room, wondering how dentists understand them while working on the patient's teeth. I bet they could even understand Charlie Brown's parents.

The Orthodontal Torture Master finally started on me after a few injections of Novocain; telling me that if I felt any pain to raise my left hand. I told him I'd raise the dead if I had to. He just narrowed his eyes and said "If you only knew." I'm not sure what he meant, but I prayed for my soul anyway.

First he used a Disemboweling Scraper of Doom to rip away tooth decay, or to remove my mandible, I couldn't tell which. After the Torture Master cursed my large tongue (He dubbed it "Beast") he had to call in the Dominatrix Dental Assistant to help hold aside this large slab of Beast. Then he applied the Super Sonic Diamond-Tipped Brain Tissue Collecting Drill to the damaged tooth, which resulted in pain and my left hand shooting up. I almost took the armrest with me.

I received another shot of Novocain Light (The crap just wasn't working), and he switched to his slower speed Bone Rattling Brain Damage Drill to inflict yet more abuse and cause me to wet myself. I'm sure that was on purpose. I wanted another shot, but the Torture Master proceeded to tell me about how my endorphins were rushing through my body because of my apprehension, rendering the painkiller useless. I thought to myself "Screw your excuses, Lucifer, and give me some more damn painkiller."

I said "Oh. I see."


After enduring the harrowing procedure of getting a simple filling put in, I returned to the counter to pay. The Torture Master made it a point to tell the Dominatrix Dental Assistant to write "Nitrous Oxide" on my file for the next time because of the Beast tongue and endorphin-whatever problems. Then with a glimmer of manic glee in his eyes, the Torture Master said "See you soon, my hapless minion."

I'm not sure what he meant by that either, but I haven't stopped praying.