Unplugged & Unmedicated

MedSpeak (A ShinySpeak classic taken from the jokelist on 4/13/01 )
Written by David M. Muench


Have you ever engaged in a conversation with a friend concerning their job, say, in the medical field? Do you even understand what the hell they're talking about? It's like trying to understand a foreigner struggling with broken English. You just have to smile and nod. Unless it's a serious subject, then looking grim and nodding will do just fine.

For example, this would be a conversation between my roommate Ken and I:

Ken: I had this patient today that was going into severe FTD. It was really bad.We had to call in an SUV tech to ovulate his dilithium trombone.


Shiny: Wow. Sounds serious. [Nodding and looking grim]


Ken: It was. Fortunately we had a knick-knack paddy-whack available and were able to stabilize his esphyloxzrplo-m-o-u-s-e.


Shiny: Well give the dog a bone.


Ken: Huh?


Shiny: Uh, nothing.


I don't have a clue. The fun-filled gory stories are interesting too, such as when he harvested a heart from a cadaver (At what point does the corpse/dead body graduate to "cadaver?" Is there a ceremony or review involved?) and told me about it. Do they think using agricultural terms like "harvested" lessens the gruesomeness of the procedure? And Ken actually tries to coax me into going into the medical field. Yeah, sure thing Skippy.
If I were meant to look inside somebody, I would have been born with x-ray vision.


The medical "what in the hell are you saying?" terminology stuff doesn't stop with mere conversations concerning his days at work. It extends to evening television, too.
If we watch a movie or a television show that has even a nanosecond clip of a scene involving something medically related, Ken has to point out what they're doing wrong.

It begins with Ken chuckling complacently, and I'm lost, wondering what it was I missed that was remotely humorous. All I see is a dying man is hooked up to a kajillion tubes, wires, and a wood lathe; being consoled by a hot, busty nurse named Sheila. He then informs me that he was amused because "they're doing it wrong." Now comes what I think is really the funny part.

He'll ask me, "What's wrong with this picture?" The only thing I could adequately surmise is, "Um, the hot nurse isn't naked yet?"
"No. The roaming deflatulator should only be used when his testicular marsupials are at a 45-degree angle."

Then he'll laugh again like it's the most ludicrous thing he's ever seen. And I'm still just wondering when that hot, busty nurse is going to get naked.

What if I were a sex therapist? We could be sitting around watching a pornographic video (Not like we, uh, do that) and I suddenly emit a smug guffaw, and claim they're doing it wrong. Then I'd ask, "What's wrong with this picture, Ken?"

"Um, one of the twelve naked hot nurses hasn't spread enough lime Jell-O on her body?"

"No. That guy's left hand needs to be two inches below her left buttock, and look at her leg. It should be at a 45-degree angle. Ha-ha-ha.That's just ludicrous."

And Ken is just wondering if he has enough lime Jell-O.