Unmentionable Shopping (A ShinySpeak classic from jokelist Episode 231, 2/21/02)
Written by David M. Muench
When the bungee cord begins to draw blood around my waist (that darn elastic band
broke five years ago) I decide it's due time for some new underwear.
For most men it's a simple act that is marked with remarkable brevity. Look at the package (no pun intended). If it looks like what we want, the size is right, and the colors aren't too weird, we'll get them.
My girlfriend and I spent a few hours at the mall last Saturday, and she decided she needed some new "sexy" underwear. I'm guessing that takes considerable more time than grabbin' a bag of "Hanes Her Way", because we circled the "Sexy Underwear Round Table" for fifteen minutes. Naturally I was elected to hold her previously selected Sexy Bra and Sexy Shirt. There's not a manly enough way to hold Sexy Women's stuff, so I held the Sexy Bra to my chest and inquired to Kate, "How does it look?" Unfortunately another woman overheard me and stated, "It looks fabulous on you!" Not one to be outdone, I retorted, "Well it's too bad I don't wear underwear," leaving Kate red-faced and gasping for breath. After the twentieth orbit around the Sexy Underwear Round Table and asking me my preference (they don't sell edible pizza-flavored thongs), we were finally done.
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