Unplugged & Unmedicated

Twister and Shout (A ShinySpeak classic from the jokelist on 5/18/01 )
Written by David M. Muench


Have you seen the movie "Twister?" Well, Oklahomans see it every time a tornado or five develops in Central Oklahoma. We don't get a brief weather break informing us of the impending tornadic weather. It's a major "news break" event for Oklahoma.
Whatever you were watching prior to the weather bulletin, you can pretty much forget about it as the weather gurus are going to be on for awhile, with no commercial break.
There could be a program interruption by the EBS alerting the citizens of the United States that World War III has begun; or an asteroid the size of Canada (Or Mimi Bobek's undergarments)will be colliding with Earth in five minutes, but by golly if there just happens to be tornadoes in central Oklahoma at the same time the local news stations will break in those last remaining minutes;right up until the planet gets vaporized.

Not only do the local stations have meteorological technology like NexRad, Doppler, Viper, Sneezy and Grumpy, but also each television station has about twelve storm-spotting teams chasing the storms and reporting their every movement; rotation or otherwise. It's kinda like "Big Brother" for tornadoes. If it were possible for a wall cloud to take a crap, the storm spotters would notice it, capture it on video and send it via microwave to the station for all of us to see.
There are also news helicopters that fly around the tornadoes with live video feed. You know, for the viewers at home that just don't appreciate the lower angle of live feed from the ground units. So now we have all this excessive information from radars, ground units, air units, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and a representative from the Psychic Friends Networkholding on line three at Channel 9.
I'm thinking to myself, "Is this really necessary? Is it not possible to just tell us where the tornado is currently and where it's headed without creating a major theatrical production which results in freaking out my mother?"

"Hey, you people in Milkytitty and Chippi-poopoo counties, a tornado is coming your way. Take cover."

With that terse sentence, I know what to do. I also know that there are no counties in Oklahoma by those names, but that's beside the point. The next time a tornado ventures close enough to make the local news stations begin their "weather show," I'll pop in the movie "Twister." Sure, that movie is humorously idiotic, but at least I can look at Helen Hunt in a tight, soaked white tank top.

And if a cow happens to fly through my window, I'll know it's time to take cover.